the top ten

When was the last time you thought about the ten commandments? I mean really thought about them?

Personally, I am not sure if I ever really invested a lot of time thinking about it. After all, it was not like I was out killing anyone. When you think about it though, this is our Lord's top ten list. Written in stone. He never issued any ammendments. This is it.

Over each of the past ten weeks, I have spent some time meditating and praying over the ten commandments... how each commandment applies to me, where I have fallen short, where I need God at work in my life.

If you have some time, you may want to take a similar journey. Until then, here's where I ended up...

1. You’re the one.
2. Don’t make ‘em jealous.
3. I swear…
4. Take five. That’s an order.
5. Luv your mum and pa.
6. Ahh, yer killin’ me!
7. Shhhh…. we’re talking adultery.
8. Don’t touch my stuff!
9. Liar, liar pants on fire.
10. That covet thing.

Peace to you, EG
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my banker hugged me

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day before thanksgiving, bank was busy-busy-busy. stopped in to sign some papers for work. long lines. phones ringing. cranky customers. busy-busy-busy.

error on the paperwork… need to wait some more. long lines. phone ringing. busy-busy-busy.

bank manager turns to the loan rep: did you ever notice that mr. gillespie never seems frazzled, always calm, always smiling.

turning to me she asks, how do you manage that?

i looked up and told the truth: i just trust in the lord.

in an instant, the phones stopped. the lines melted away. the busy-busy simply vanished. and she threw her arms around me and whispered: me too.

and today i wonder… how many others are out there… busy-busy-busy… just waiting for someone to come in and mention his name… to say it is okay to express your faith… to declare your love… to live out the peace… even in the midst of the busy-busy-busy.

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my two hands

A man invited me to stick my hands into the pile of ashes before me. Run my fingers through the dust and charred remnants. Rub my hands together, feeling the grit and grime.

And then I sat to ponder the connection between the ashes that covered my two hands and the sins that covered my life. This is what I looked like through the lens of holiness. Through the eyes of a perfect guide. Dirty. Discolored. Disfigured.

Here’s what came to mind as I contemplated the condition of my hands. One: this was not the way my hands were supposed to look. Underneath these ashes and burnt scraps was the real me. Hidden from the light, from the truth. Second: I did not want to come into contact with anything white or pure or clean, because any contact would instantly blemish its beauty. Third: wanting the ashes to go away—no matter how much effort or pressure I applied—was not enough. No matter how much I rubbed my hands and fingers together, I could not clean myself. Could not.

And then I confessed my sins. Sins of gluttony, pride and neglect.

And I was cleaned. Purified. Refreshed.

Just as I was in the beginning.

will I persevere?

You pray, pray, pray, pray… and nothing happens. Sound familiar?

So what happens? The despair, pressures and uncertainty of life remain. And then this sinking feeling sets in when you realize that the lack of response from God the Father only brings more despair, increased pressure and greater uncertainty.

A friend of mine has been dealing with life’s circumstances for some time now. And despite prayer, he seems to grow more weary every week. (You can pray for him here.)

So this morning I was wondering… is this what perseverance looks like? If so, am I personally ready for such a test?

At a men’s group on Monday, Kris shared a passage from 2 Peter:

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love.

We talked about the process of becoming more Christ-like, and the steps and work involved getting there. If you’re a regular reader here, you’ll know that I’ve been dealing with issues of self-control for some time on a number of fronts—and have increasingly become more confident in the power I have with Christ in this regard.

So this morning I shuddered a bit. Because the next item on the list is perseverance.

And as I think about the friend mentioned above… the one who seemingly deals with despair, pressures and uncertainty without God jumping in to change life’s circumstances … I see him not only as a friend in need of prayer… I see him as a role model for the path I have yet to reach.

#6 - return of the king

#6 on my list of all-time favorite movies is Return of the King, the closing chapter of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

This morning I was thinking of the scene where Pippin (one of the Hobbits) pledges an oath to Denethor, the man who is ruling over the city Minas Tirith in the absence of a true king. Here's the exchange:

DENETHOR: Perhaps you have come to tell me why my son is dead.

PIPPIN: Boromir died to save us my kinsman and me. He fell defending us from many foes. I offer you my service, such as it is in payment of this debt.


Later on, Pippin takes a more formal oath of service:

PIPPIN: Here do I swear fealty and service to Gondor, and to the Lord and Steward of the realm, to speak and to be silent, to do and to let be, to come and to go, in need or plenty, in peace or war, in living or dying, from this hour henceforth, until my lord release me, or death take me, or the world end. So say I, Peregrin son of Paladin of the Shire of the Halflings.


So I was thinking… people take oaths to “stewards” all of the time… we take oaths to our jobs, our banks, our dreams of worldly possessions… we take oaths to stewards who are merely trying to take the place of a true king.

So this morning, I knelt in prayer, and took an oath to the one true is king.

God. Your son Jesus died to save us, my kinsmen and me. I offer you my service in payment of this debt.

I swear fealty and service to the Lord my God, the creator of the Universe, the Father, Son and Spirit, to speak and to be silent, to do and to let be, to come and to go, in need or plenty, in peace or war, in living or dying, from this hour henceforth, until the Lord release me. So say I, Ed Gillespie, son of Raymond of New York.

50 favorite movies

Yes, it's Oscar Week... so I took a few moments to list my 50 favorite movies of all time. Maybe it was the story, the acting, the cinematography or simply who I was with when I first saw it... but these are the 50 I could watch again and again.

1. Casablanca
2. Godfather II
3. Matrix
4. Godfather
5. Empire Strikes Back
6. LOTR: Return of the King
7. Shawshank Redemption
8. Silence of the Lambs
9. West Side Story
10. Amadeus

11. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
12. Goodfellas
13. Notorious
14. Gladiator
15. Schindler’s List
16. To Kill a Mockingbird
17. Fargo
18. Passion of the Christ
19. Philadelphia
20. Wizard of Oz

21. Ghostbusters
22. The Sting
23. Heathers
24. It’s a Wonderful Life
25. Nothing in Common
26. Purple Rain
27. Rocky Horror Picture Show
28. Saturday Night Fever
29. Animal House
30. The Graduate

31. American Graffiti
32. Fight Club
33. Beauty and the Beast
34. Clockwork Orange
35. Frankenstein
36. Trading Places
37. Jaws
38. Kelly’s Heroes
39. Usual Suspects

40. Saving Private Ryan
41. Patton
42. Apocalypse Now
43. Breakfast Club
44. Bull Durham
45. Dead Poet’s Society
46. Moulin Rouge
47. Mystic River
48. Slumdog Millionaire
49. Tootsie
50. The Game

sunday triumph

Candice greeted me when I reached her.

“Do you want a blessing or a prayer” she inquired.

“A prayer,” I replied. “I have two good friends who are fathers. One is a Christian, the other is not. They are each facing challenges with their sons. They are worried about the well being of their sons – and whether they as fathers are doing everything they can.”

So Candy prayed. She prayed for wisdom and strength and peace and blessings.

And then I returned to my seat. And a short while later I closed my eyes. I saw Jesus. And he was holding the hands of my two friends, these two fathers. And then he lifted their arms high into the air… the same way a referee lifts the hands of a boxer who has just won a fight. He rose their hands in triumph, in victory.

And then these to fathers were joined by their sons. And they lifted their hands in victory. In triumph. Everyone was smiling. Fathers, sons and Jesus.

And I wept with joy.

january treasures

french toast the morning after… black swan… b&e with brian… hamptons cards… nestles kick off… hunan pan… yellow punch buggy… chicken, waffles and beverly hills with the boys…

learning to hate

Other men, other Christian men, have shared with me that they have been tempted by pornography or sexual fantasies.

About three years ago, I shared one of my more personal diaries, reflecting on my willingness to fall into this temptation myself… and God’s amazing ability to pull me out.

And yet, even after that miraculous God event, I continued to disobey. Vows to repent, feelings of guilt and heartfelt prayers would be followed by moments of weakness… and at some point… when I was no longer afraid to ask for forgiveness… an abundance of God’s grace. Rinse. Repeat. Rinse. Repeat.

That changed about a month ago.

My Saturday bible study group was looking at Psalm 139. And with snow delays and other schedule conflicts, we ended up going three weeks without a meeting. Three weeks with Psalm 139.

I have since come to learn that this Psalm holds a special place in the hearts of many people I know… men and women who have taken the time to memorize the words. If you take the time to read this lyrical prayer, you will quickly understand why.

You have searched me, LORD, and you know me.

It opens with a poetic statement of intimacy… describing an active, personal relationship between a single person and the creator of the universe… a God who has taken the time to listen to you… to know you by name.

Where can I flee from your presence?

Through the highs and the lows, the darkness and the light, our God is with us in every way possible… always at our side.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

God not only loves all people… he loves me… me… for the precise person I am... the soul, the personality, the being that is uniquely me.

And then… in the midst of this psalm of intimacy and closeness, David takes an abrupt turn in verse 19.

If only you, God, would slay the wicked! Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD, and abhor those who are in rebellion against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.

Where did this come from? God and I were having this nice chat, and then all of a sudden we are talking about slaying, hatred and enemies. What’s up with that?

Now I have no enemies… and certainly not any enemies that I was looking to whack. Did not Jesus tell us to love our enemies? And who are ‘those who hate God’… atheists? Muslims? Were they not God’s children as well? These words did not resonate in any way. And what happened to that God of love and intimacy from verses 1 through 18?

To be honest, I kind of glazed over these verses the first week. Then when I hit week two of re-reading Psalm 139, I think I may have intentionally skipped these lines. By the third week, however, God was speaking to me through these verses in a new way. In a way that has changed my life.

You see… I had previously spoken about the inclination to let my mind wander toward sexual fantasy as a weakness. I was being tempted. Being lured into a place I had no desire to go. Yes, I was the victim. Helpless.

But that’s not really the case.

Because I had the power to hate. To hate the sin that drove me from God. To hate and despise the mere thought of this act. And on that day, this temptation no longer stood as a weakness, a flaw. It stood as an enemy. One that needed to be hated… one to be slayed.

That was a month ago. Any this hatred still burns today. And my enemy has not dared to show his face for all this time. And I am glad. And strong. And free.

For my Lord has searched me. And knows me. He leads me in the way everlasting. And I would hate for it to be any other way.
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on fatherhood

i may be dense.

ok, i am dense.

but often i need to experience something before i can internalize, see and understand. here are two examples from my experience of being a father.

first... the limitless nature of love. you grow up learning to love one mother. one father. one spouse. but it was not until after the birth of my third that i understood that the addition of each new child only increased the love i had for the ones that came before. cool, huh?

second... when i was 17, god and i had a little falling out. because i believed that if i truly loved god with all my heart, soul, mind and strength i would drop everything and become a missionary or priest. because i wanted no part of that, i assumed it meant i simply did not love god.

as a father, however, i do not want my three children spending their lives attending to my needs. i do not want them to pursue careers that interest me. i do not want them spending every waking hour thinking about me. i want them to live, love, explore and find out who they are as individuals... and then to follow the path before them with passion and joy. you see, what delights me most is when brian, meaghan and erin are the best brian, meaghan and erin they can be.

yes, that is what delights me most.

so today... love the lord by being what delights him most... you.

december treasures

… beauty & essex… audrey’s pecans… cozy caroling to guitar strums... ringing the bell with jim lang… pick-up lunch with brian… singing four calling birds with my father-in-law… finding the perfect shower radio… erin’s reaction to the scooter… the blizzard… backgammon with eileen…

are we there yet?

This Ingrid Michaelson song seems like an appropriate way to start the holiday season.

Especially in light of an email I received this week from a dear friend who was attending the funural of a family member who did not know God. He wrote: "I can't smile at someone and say 'I know he is in heaven right now.' I just don't believe that."

I know so many people who are far from God. People I love. There's this gift just waiting for them -- already wrapped and addressed to their name. They just need to open it. And enter the home that has been prepared for them.

Michaelson sings:

They say there's linings made of silver
Folded inside each raining cloud
Well, we need someone to deliver
Our silver lining now

And are we there yet?
Home, home, home
Home, home, home

Our father has already delivered that silver lining. Oh, how I long for the people I love to find their way home this month.

lessons from the rail trail

Sometimes people are just thirsty

Sometimes being an evangelist means you need to shut up.

Sometimes leading a movement has nothing to do with organizing or programs.

Sometimes when the wind blows, the trees come together to create the most well-choreographed ballet.

Sometimes you need to go out of your normal way to meet someone at the exact place where they wanted to be at that moment in time.

Sometimes people are cynical. Most times they are not.

Sometimes you can hear the river flowing… even when it is well out of range.

Sometimes you can give someone the most amazing gift just by showing up.

Sometimes people will stop and talk, and share things about their life, and not be really sure why they feel so comfortable with a stranger.

Sometimes the moments in life where absolutely nothing is going on are the fullest.

Sometimes people will go out of their way to repay a simple act of kindness.

Sometimes a smile means more than words.

Sometimes… there are not enough sometimes.

The cold and rain have brought an end to rail trail Saturdays for now… spring will be here soon... but not soon enough.

brother, where art thou?

History has no shortage of famous brothers.

Cain and Able. John, Bobby and Ted Kennedy. Jesse and Frank James. Joel and Ethan Coen. Orville and Wilbur Wright. The Marx Brothers. The Ringling Brothers. The list goes on and on.

Still, it only just occurred to me that the first disciples of Christ were brothers: Simon and Andrew.

Of course, Simon becomes Peter—the rock on which Jesus builds the church. So maybe Andrew just gets lost in the shuffle. Like Tommie Aaron, who shares in the major league record for most home runs ever hit by brothers (768).

But after Peter and Andrew… the next two called by Christ were also brothers: James and John.

And as you read through the Gospels, it becomes clear that Peter, Andrew, James and John were key guys – the inner ring of a small, select group of followers. These brothers climbed the mountain and witnessed the transfiguration, tussled for attention, prayed in Gethsemane and followed Christ through the trials all the way to his death on the cross… then ran to the tomb three days later.

Perhaps it is no coincidence that those called upon to follow Christ and spread the good news were brothers. We know for sure that there were times of doubt, fear and disbelief for these men. There were moments when they wanted to turn their back on God. When persecution and ridicule ran high. When it simply was too tough to believe. And even more difficult to walk in his footsteps.

And yet, they persevered.

Who else but a brother could convince you trust your heart?

Who else but a brother could reassure you in times of darkness?

Who else but a brother could kick you in the ass – and set you straight?

You see, Peter, Andrews, James and John shared a life before Christ. They shared experiences. Perspectives. Through their words, they could validate, strengthen and challenge each other like no other.

Some days I wonder, how much more could I do for Christ if my two brothers walked beside me. Could they reassure me, provide the strength and the nudges (and kicks) I so desperately need to be the man I know I could be? In my moments of doubt, fear and disbelief, could they grab me by the shoulder and whisper in my ear: Brother, we have grown up together... fruit of the same womb... be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be a man of courage; be strong. Do everything in love.

I don’t know.

For unlike Peter, Andrew, James and John… I walk without my brothers.

But I do not walk alone. There’s TK, Stephen, Francisco, Dave, Mike, Kris, Dan, Kevin, Bill, Scott, Norbert, Derek, Perry, Rich. Bob and Byron, to name a few. These are my brothers. We can be honest, and brutal, and forgiving, and a pain in the ass when necessary. We look out for one another. Brothers, for sure.

But… perhaps… not entirely the same.

just a little over 100

The 100 Thing Challenge dares you to live for an extended period of time with only 100 possessions. What you “count” as yours is really up to you. The idea is simply to de-clutter and de-stuff your life so you can make more room for reflection, relationships and the important things.

I have not started my 100 Think Challenge, but was intrigued enough by the idea to take inventory. Surprise, surprise, I came in just over 100. Well, actually the total came in at 458. And that’s not counting several sweaters (in the attic), my “skinny Ed” pants (in boxes) and all the books, CDs, DVDs, photos and videos I’ve accumulated over the years.

Here’s a top-line inventory:

23 Baseball Caps
13 Pair of Shoes
32 Ties
3 Gloves
2 Winter Hats

43 Sweatshirt/Sweaters/Coats
13 Suits/Sports Jackets
50 Pants/Shorts
140 Shirts
63 Socks/Undergarments

16 Rings/Cufflinks/Pins/Watches
7 Memorabilia/Gifts
8 Golf Trophies

12 Household Items (Toolbox. Frying Pans)
11 Sports Related Items (Golf Clubs, Mitt, Bike)
9 Personal Items (Wallet, Razor, etc.)
Many Books, CDs, DVDs, Photos, Videos
Sleeping Bag and Tent

5 Consumer Electronics
1 Car
1 Bible

Some tidbits.

Yes, I own a Barbie Doll (a UVa collectible). There are six watches in my bureau, none work. Of my 300+ articles of clothing, nearly 25% have not been worn in the past year. There’s a golf-ball marker that was used once about a dozen years ago. And a “Milennium” bottle of Bud that has aged a decade in my closet.

Not sure what’s next, so stay tuned. But I can say that I was a Rotary Club meeting last Friday and they were selling club gear – a hat and a T-Shirt for $25. And as I reached into my pocket, it dawned on me that I had 23 baseball caps sitting at home. So I passed. For now.

thirsty

This past weekend, a man drove down to a trail in town that is popular with bikers, joggers and dog walkers. He set up a table at a juncture—a spot where many start, end or turn around. On the table sat a pitcher of lemonade, some bottled water and a sign that read “FREE—cold drinks”.

Some people asked what cause he represented, or what he was selling (‘there’s always an agenda’). Others walked by the table, intent on never looking over—because eye contact was dangerous.

But most people smiled and thanked this man. In fact, many were overwhelmed by what was truly the most simplest acts of kindness. Others stopped to chat… their day suddenly changed for the better. One jogger remarked how cold the world had been feeling to him. Another woman, who returned from a six mile run, said ‘I was so hoping you would still be here when I got back’.

After two hours, the man packed up his table, the cooler and his sign and took inventory. He had served a total of five drinks: two lemonades and three bottles of water.

And yet he came away knowing that many more drank that day… for what he came to learn was that people are not thirsty for water or lemonade… they thirst for kindness. They thirst for love.

How indifferent have we become to our brothers and sisters? How often do we go through days with blinders on, focused only on the next destination? How cold has the world become, that such a simple gesture—a glass of water—can mean so much? How have we allowed so many people in our community get so thirsty?

me and teh gay

I visited a church on Long Island last month. The service was most enjoyable, but when the pastor went into a rant condemning the sin that is homosexuality, I found myself distracted. Disturbed by both the tone and content of his sermon.

I wrote down the scriptures he quoted, and promised myself that I would look them up later. As an evangelical Christian who believes in gay marriage, gay love and gay life, I find myself often scribbling down scripture verses for further study.

Things were much simpler in my early life. We attended the church of the holy convenience, where truthiness ruled and my moral compass could be aligned according to the most prevalent winds. While I certainly knew gay people, it was not a topic of discussion. The only times I used the word gay was in making off-hand insults to one of my brothers or close friends. (Being called gay, you see, was not exactly a compliment.) Actual gay people? Well, what they did was their business.

That changed about a decade ago when I came to know Jesus. To find out that the creator of the universe loved me and wanted to have a personal relationship with me, well that changed everything. I wanted to know everything I could about God. Sunday services was not enough… I needed mid-week services and Bible service.

And one of the things I picked up handing around church people was that being gay was a sin. A gay person could certainly come to church, but they could never serve in a leadership position. And I guess that point of view sunk in. For a while there, I came to believe that being gay—while no worse than being a gossip—was something of which God did not approve. Civil unions, that was okay. But marriage? No way.

Then something happened.

Are you ready? I actually got to know some gay people.

On Facebook. Interacting on blogs. And yes, in real life too. And we would talk about life, and movies, and politics, and families, and work. Over the course of a few years, two things became abundantly clear.

One, the Christian-led opposition to gay marriage caused tremendous hurt and pain. It led to confusion, and in many cases, drove people away from God. Christians spending incredible amounts of resources to drive people away from God.

Two, for gay men and women who were in long-term, monogamous relationships, the love between these two people was as real and warm and magical and blessed as any other relationship I have witnessed. From the spats and hugs to the tears and morning coffees, gay love was simply love.

Over time it became evident that opposition to gay marriage was anything but Christ-like. So where was the disconnect?

The pastor in Long Island who condemned the gay quoted Romans 1: 27-27.

26Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

Now I don’t recall ever thinking that the love I have for my wife could adequately be described as “inflamed with lust”. And the gay men and women I know have never used that term either. So I can only wonder… is Paul not condemning the fact of being gay… but rather a specific type of behavior? Is he talking about reckless sex and lust without love?

(I could also mention that Romans 1 is followed by a discourse on why no one should judge anyone else, but I digress.)

You could have similar debates regarding word choice and meaning with most of the other scripture verses used to blanketly vilify gay men and women, such as 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, 1 Timothy 1:9-10 and Jude 1:7.

Leviticus is another story. Lev 20:13 reads: If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.

I will not venture to wordsmith this passage, but will make two quick remarks. The people I know who swear by the first half of this verse do not believe in the second half. More importantly—and I don’t mean to use this as a Christian crutch—but Jesus changed everything. His life. His death. His resurrection. Everything changed.

So here’s where I am. Is being gay a sin?

Jesus spent a lot of time with both religious leaders and the “non-church crowd”, and he had nothing to say on the topic. But what he did was promise that he would send a Counselor… and that if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved – and when you are saved, the law will be placed on your heart.

The law is on my heart. When I wake up in the morning, I have a clear understanding of what I should do—and not do—to both share and proclaim the love I have for God. And yes, God finds ways to ‘raise the bar’ on these expectations over time.

So today, I implore my Christian brothers and sisters to stop wasting their breath discussing what is right and wrong with others and simply focus all of the energy on helping people fall in love with Christ. Just help people fall in love with the one who loves them more than anything.

There is right. There is wrong. And I have complete confidence that anyone who walks toward Christ with love in their hearts will be able to discern right from wrong on their own. I invite you on this journey.

In the meantime, I just want to say thank you to the men and women who had the courage to share their lives and stories with me over the past few years--stories, i imagine, that were not always so easy to share.